13

Well, last week it was not any police department that wanted me for an interview but the emergency management center I had applied at way before. Not even for a specific job, I just sent in my CV to get into their database.

I had an interview right with the director of the Supply Center and the HR director. It was such a good intervew, I enjoyed every minute. And now waiting for their decision is making me crazy. I soooo want to move on, from my current life to my new life, I so want this change, this wait is just killing me. I don’t even want to consider the possibility they would turn me down. I don’t want to consider anything like that. Hello, Universe, will you help me out on this one, please???

12

Last Monday, a week ago, the announcement was made. My company is negative as far as the future is concerned. I am needed to stay until the end, June 30. In that case I’ll be given a package. If I leave earlier, I’ll only be given my due salary and maybe 2.5 months more. Something like that.

Well, I may not wait for that package. Today I got a call from the police dept I had applied at. They want to see me at 10 a.m. tomorrow. Am I happy? Helly yeah! Am I surprised? You bet, I thought after all that time gone since my application they would not be interested.

Apparently they are. And it is so exciting. Peak of the day. Low of the day is the accident I had early this morning, with Kiddo on board. Some nuthead bumped into my back while I was waiting at the red light. My back hurts. Today I still need to get it x-rayed to see if the hit caused any harm….

My life is a big whirl. I am so sad for everyone getting in it…

11

Happy New Year!

For me it is fine…ish… so far. Knowing is relieving. Seeing the others, though, doing their things like always, not knowing, is breaking my heart. My heart, which tells me to share the info. Against my mind, that tells me not to dare to. And mind is stronger…

On Friday we received an invitation email for a management meeting on 2017 schedule and perspectives. Bringing people to our office that never come. This email is raising questions. And I am the only one to know the answer. But I need to hide it. It is 9 more days. I must be strong.

Baileys and red wine makes me strong. At least his weekend. And I have discovered Homeland. God, I like it much! It is just the right kind of detour from the everyday shit around me. And after such a detour it is so easy to think clear and see my direction.

And my direction is either the armed forces (police) or agriculture. I am interested in both very-very much. Now, watching Homeland, I feel it must be the police. There is a specific job I have applied for, and to do which I had been encouraged by the admin of the department at the station. But when I am looking at Vizsla, I feel it should be agriculture, game management. For which to start there is also a position being created at a huge company of a guy’s here with the highest impact on local agriculture. A friend happens to be in the top management there needing an assistant badly.

All I want to do now is to remain silent at work, lay low; to have huge walks with Vizsla and enjoy our bond; and to watch Homeland  and forget about everything else. With Vizsla in my lap. Kiddo is off to Granny’s tonight, for the whole of next week. With Doc’s approval.

I need this week for… me.

10

My company closes in Q1 2017. I found it out by chance, by being sent an email by one of my service providers that was never meant to be seen by me. Loyalty though made this partner of mine send it to me before giving out a quotation to our EU HQ for a structure completely omitting my team’s participation. I put then a question to my top manager who unofficially broke the news. Q1 2017. Not only for my team – for everyone.

And I am happier than ever. I won’t need to be unfaithful. It is the company that will be unfauithful. And the misery is over. Inhumane working hours and demands are over.

This is my chance to make the change I have wanted. This is my chance to make a step towards the human I want to be. This is my chance to get closer to the happyness I have desired.

This is the happiest Christmas ever. Freed from the burden of work obligations, unveiling the excitement of change. I feel it’s gonna be a good change. Am I scared? Hell yeah. Being a single parent thus the only financial support to Kiddo’s life (and Vizsla’s life) being terminated at a job is scary. But I also know fear is one of the things that blindfolds us, numbs us, makes us unable to see possibilities behind such a change. I consiously hush this fear in my brain and try to focus on my possibilities. With the right mindset I am sure I will find what I am looking for.

Happy Holidays to you reading this. 2017 is gonna be hell of a year. Or rather, heaven.

09

My Vizsla is some… Sensei. A master of teaching humans. At least… me.

She is one perfect alarm system signaling when I need to get my acts together. And when I feel this all-or-nothing situation, what she puts me in, I, all of a sudden, am able to get my acts together.

Vizsla did not bark for the 11 hours I was away yesterday. Not even a whine. Based on 3 different neighbors’ summary. And she did not bark today between 8 and 5 while I was away. According to the info by the same 3 neighbors.

I am constantly thinking about what I am doing differently than before. Of course the biggest difference is the mornings. Not necessarily running all the time, but a forced march with backpack on back and weight in backpack. For her. On a minimum leash, with minimum possibility to sniff around, and only at places where I let her. For at least an hour early morning. This is a very controlled activity, with immediate correction on the walk when needed.

Since I am doing this, she seems much balanced. And no barking. And by “seems” I mean she has visible signs. She is paying attention to me. Does giv a sh*t, if you like. She even gains weight day by day.

We are on the right track. Now I know it is out of question to be lazy and skip these mornings – that will result in a massive anxiety for her. It is something that can return any time she feels abandoned and the need to take over the leadership. Free play in a dogpark, loose long leash on whih she can go and sniff wherever she wants… allowing her to make any decisions in general will make her feel she needs to replace me, the human allowing her to make those decisions. Cannot happen again.

No effing way.

08

It was the weirdest week ever. I enjoyed my job. First time in a long time. I had to go to the warehouse to pick over 18 pallets of products and I was shocked to feel the love for our products. All those colors, those shapes, those textures… I was radiating all day, in the midst of cold, dust, pallets, whatnot. I also had a fight with my superior and gave no shit to what might happen afterwards. It felt liberating. I stood up for myself and it actually worked.

So right now there are 4 jobs I have applied for. Should they get back to me, fine. But if not – applying is put on hold for now. This week I felt what had been missing for such a long time. I got to see the whole purpose for why I had got an employee of my current company. This little thing was just enough for me to shake my whiney self and see clearly that quitting for me is not for now.

I need to find a way to release my suppressed energy without making any harm in my life…. Running will be good for one, but I also need to set a goal. Something I need to achieve. I should get my acts together and start rock climbing. To prepare my body for bouldering. An old dream. Might be the right time to start making it come true.

07

I have more and more thoughts about running. I am very strange about running, fyi – I keep dreaming about it like… continuously, but when it comes to actually doing it, I am chicken. Even now when, as part of the rehab, I need to take Vizsla for a run, it is a pain to dress up, lace shoes and get out until the first run-step – but once I have made that, I am a happy free bird. Why is that? If I know how good that is from step no. 1, why is my whole self rejecting as long as it can? I don’t get it.

Anyway, Tumblr is a great motivator for running. Whenever I am at this stage – and believe me, this is not the first time -, I take a look at all those runner profiles with pics and I immediately want to break out. I can immediately remember what good running usually does to me. I have a much clearer thinking, I am much more determined at things, I am much more… decisive. I am much happier. Is it an accident I crave running these days, just about changing my career…?

Of course not. Running is the tool to make myself iron-willed. And my body and mind so knows it!

15-reasons-to-run